My belief in prayer has changed a lot throughout my life. I was someone who was brought up in Church and taught to pray every single night. As a kid I would pray for God to please watch over all of my family members but I would also ask him for things like he was a genie.
Please give me a pony
Please give me that doll I want so bad
Please make that boy like me
You get the picture.
As I got older I started to wonder where God was. Why didn’t he ever give me the things I prayed for. And whyyy instead, did he put me in this body that other kids would make fun of so much. Why did he make me into someone that would get bullied when I asked him to protect me. Why did he choose for other kids to have everything they wanted but not me. I did not get it and I started to hate God. I hated him for putting me here to suffer. I didn’t believe prayers actually worked. Until I got older and realized there is so much more to prayer and maybe my suffering was just what I needed to become the person I am today.
It was just after my 30th birthday in 2020 when I had finally hit a point of surrender. My husband had started drinking again after our son was born two years back and I didn’t know it at the time but was also using meth and cocaine. Slowly the person I thought I had married turned into my worst nightmare. He would spend all of the money we had on his habits, he blamed me for all our problems, he was emotionally abusive to all of us and the life I thought I was getting was gone. Over time things got worse and worse. I had told him to leave one night until he could come back sober. Eventually he did but the behavior stayed the same. I thought he was sober for a while but really what he was doing was sneaking around to use and avoided us like the plague. I was always alone with the kids, working and was trying to get through school. The weight of everything was literally killing me. I suffered in silence for a long time because growing up I was taught that marriage is hard but you don’t give up. So that’s what I did. Until one day I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked up completely defeated and prayed, “God please show me what to do. I can’t live this way anymore” and eventually fell asleep on the couch.
The very next day I went about my day with the kids as usual. I tried to distract myself with anything I could. I decided to go to the gym and sweat it out while the kids played in the daycare. We were on our way home when my phone vibrated. I opened it to glance if it was anything important to see a picture of my husband. From one of my clients. And not just a picture. A dating profile. A tinder profile.
“Hey girl, I think maybe someone is catfishing your husband” with a screenshot of his tinder profile. Yup. That was my husband. The picture was from a wedding we had attended a week prior. And was not posted anywhere on his social media for someone to steal. It had his exact age and specific interests. It was definitely not a catfish situation but it was nice of her to try to lessen the blow. In that moment I was extremely hurt but that was something I’d been use to. The feeling I wasn’t expecting was over whelming relief. It was the first time it occurred to me that I didn’t have to stay with this man. God was showing me exactly what to do. He had answered my prayer. In less than 24 hours. I had completely surrendered and he answered me. Had I prayed “please let my marriage workout” I wouldn’t have seen this as my sign to get the fuck out of this marriage. Had I prayed “please let my marriage workout” I would have once again hated God for not giving me what I wanted and continued on with my life dying inside. At that time I did hope my marriage would work out because I wanted our family to stay together. But now that I’m years ahead, I am so grateful for the choice I made because I am so happy with the person I’ve grown into and it was best for our kids to not keep growing up in that kind of environment. There was a bigger picture, I just couldn’t see it at the time. And the key was to surrender.
I look back on that day often. That one day changed my relationship with prayer forever and I’ll never forget it. I have had many other prayers I’ve seen answered since that day. After I pray about something I now let go and look for the signs. And there are ALWAYS signs. I had to learn to let go and let life take it’s course. And yes sometimes I still catch myself getting upset things aren’t going the way I think they should but I’m only human and it takes practice. It’s the awareness that I now have that brings me back.
-Jackie
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